Archive for the ‘Ladies Against Women’ Category

Cheerleading turtle-burners against women

Monday, May 7th, 2012

This weekend, a truly astounding anti-feminist  letter was published by the newspaper of record in glamorous Fargo, North Dakota.*  Its author, one Michael A. Ross of Hawley, Minnesota, believes he not only knows the root of our societal suffering, but he also has the cure for what ails us all.

It’s cheerleaders.

 

No, really!  Sit down, pour yourself another cup of coffee, and prepare to have your mind blown!

Mr. Ross begins:

Men have ruled every civilization since the beginning of time and always will. That is not the question. The question is, will a civilization be ruled by good men or evil men?

“Always will” is your clue that you have left the 21st century and are descending into Schlaflyland,™ a pale pink universe that, in a twist of delicious irony, would require its leader, the venerable Mrs. John Schlafly Jr, to stop her traitorous habit of speaking in public, let alone allow anyone to refer to her as “Phyllis.”

Schlaflyland™ is a familiar enough place to my readers, but Mr. Ross isn’t content to linger there–after all, such a place is run by a woman, and that’s a Bad Thing.  Read on:

Historically, evil men have ruled. Evil men rule today. When good men rule, it’s ordinary men exercising leadership in their homes, local churches, local civil government, local business and commerce.

So if I understand correctly, in the thousands of years of modern civilization, only evil men have ruled–but for the brief spell in which Eisenhower was president.  Gotcha.

When evil men rule, it is a handful of political, corporate, and monetary elitists that control nearly all the wealth in the economy. They rule from corporate boardrooms, Washington and Wall Street. It is their strategy to attack ordinary men as the heads of their families and other traditional institutions. They do this by pushing women out of their homes and into the workforce by creating an economy that requires both parents to work.

What?  You mean this FEMINISM thing can’t be blamed on WOMEN?  It’s all a conspiracy by a cabal of evil men?   Gloria Steinem must be so relieved.

Also, by pushing them into jobs traditionally reserved for men: soldier, police officer, firefighter, physician, truck driver, etc. And by pushing schoolgirls into highly competitive varsity athletics traditionally reserved for boys, just to name a few. 

Only “highly competitive” sports, sir?  Does that mean ladies are welcome at gentle games?  Like badminton or varsity cupcake baking?

Any wife who is contentious with her husband’s leadership, any woman who takes a man’s pulpit, or seeks employment that has been traditionally reserved for men, has played into the elitists’ hands.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MRS. MARCUS BACHMANN?? Get out of the federal House and back into your house!   When Marcus does his own laundry, the elitists win!!

Traditional male leadership is no guarantee of a decent and just society, but it is a prerequisite. A truly free and just society will be one that promotes women as homemakers and mothers, nurses, teachers, secretaries and cheerleaders.

That’s the darling Mrs. Bachmann (née Michele Amble) on the right.  What a cutie.  All this Wall Street corruption is so obviously her fault.

Not being content with a good chuckle at Mr. Ross’s expense, I took the additional step of Googling his name and location.  Why not?  He might be the author of more amusing editorials that would appeal to my blog readers.  I have a duty to keep all two of you amused and entertained, especially on days when writing satire myself would be too exhausting (I am a married lady, after all).

To  my surprise, I found something even more bizarre–this headline:

HAWLEY TEEN SENTENCED IN TURTLE BURNING

It seems that several years ago, an 18-year-old named Joel Charles Ross filmed himself and two friends lighting a snapping turtle on fire.  The idiots then uploaded their torture of the poor reptile, which was forwarded to local authorities.  The young Mr. Ross was sentenced to community service, a $500 fine, and five days in the clink for pleading guilty to misdemeanor animal cruelty.

Here is a photo I found of Mr. Ross the elder, and his lovely wife Vicky.  It appeared in another Fargo Forum article, this time in celebration of the couple’s 25th wedding anniversary:

How could such an adorable couple spawn a child capable of such a stupid and senseless act?  Setting a turtle on fire for kicks is something only an evil man would do.

It’s the cheerleaders’ fault.

 

 

*It is easy for outsiders to mock Fargo, yes, but I come by my scorn honestly–a good half of the relatives I have spent my adulthood avoiding are North Dakotans.  This my one perk.

 

 

 

Ladies unite for the War on Women!

Tuesday, May 1st, 2012

The following is a guest post by Mrs. Matthew Black, member of the Twin Cities chapter of Ladies Against Women.  Though I object to everything she wrote here, she threatened to reveal my eBay username if I didn’t allow her to post this unedited. –SD

On April 28, 2012, I was invited by local ladies of my acquaintance to attend an event relating to this War on Women that everyone’s talking about. I usually don’t express myself in public in this manner (preferring to let my husband speak for me, of course), but I felt that a War on Women was something that the ladies and I could get behind. Here we are:

Photo credit: a young man who was thrilled to be of service

Mrs. Ballentine looks depressed because she accidentally left her pearls at home, the poor dear.  I would chide her for this oversight if I weren’t guilty of a crime against decency myself–the wearing of white shoes before Memorial Day.  I share this unretouched photo in hopes that my gentle readers will learn from my mistake:

Photo credit: Mrs. Robert Rolle

It will take a little more than a wardrobe faux pas to keep me from speaking my mind about this War on Women.  As I said in my remarks, just about everything wrong with America can be traced back to the day in 1920 when non-male adults were given permission to vote.  On this issue I agree with Miss Ann Coulter, though I don’t make it a habit to pay attention to women who don’t have the sense to get married at least once.  Even vulgar trollops like Misses Madonna Ciccone and Britney Spears have been married twice each (just not to each other, for heaven’s sake).

Photo credit: Mrs. Robert Rolle

Confidential to strapping bachelors and wealthy widowers: Miss Emily Johnston, the young lady holding my umbrella, is single and looking for a breadwinner who will allow her occasional use of his Kohl’s card!  Interested gentlemen may send resumes, sperm counts, and credit reports to MrsMatthewBlack@LadiesAgainstWomen.org.

The crowd really seemed to enjoy my story about how I reacted when people assumed I supported Michele Bachmann for president.  The very idea of a WOMAN president gives me horrible gas.  It twists me up so that I can’t help making faces like this:

Photo credit: some feminist in cahoots with Sen. Sandy Pappas, a speaker at the rally

Here’s something that keeps me popping Tums late into the night: I assumed a member of the Minnesota legislature who goes by “Sandy” must have the first name Alexander on his birth certificate.  Was I ever wrong!  This Sandy creature and Michele Bachmann are two of a kind–women who forgot that they are supposed to be working in the kind of house that has a white picket fence around it.  Leave the state and federal Houses to the menfolk, please!

It’s my great hope that this day of rallies in support of the War on Women will alert ladies and the gentlemen who support them to the danger posed by women legislators, contraceptives, and the unmarried.  I invite ladies across the country to join me in not voting on November 6.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Matthew Black