Archive for the ‘Idiots’ Category

How to control your libido

Friday, January 24th, 2014

 

READERS!  From the feedback you give me, the majority of you are bio-women, which means that you have insatiable sex drives and need to hump the living daylights out of everything you see.  It’s a terrible burden, I know, but I’m here to make your life easier!  I have discovered a foolproof new system that will allow you to unplug your Magic Wand long enough to get out and do your grocery shopping.  Take a look!

 

huckabee (2)

 

After you stop laughing, do a quick check of your lady parts: any dampness or tingling?  Are your cheeks flushed?  How about the rest of your skin? Any goosebumps at all?  Is your breathing heavy?  No?

GOOD!  Your libido is now under control.  You may now fetch your prescriptions without sexually harassing the pharmacist, the clerk, and the elderly woman in line behind you.  Repeat as needed to function in polite society.

xo,

Aunt Sugar

 

 

 

A very white lady holiday

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

 

Though the  holidays kept me, your ever-lovin’ Radical Housewife, too busy to blog (that spiked eggnog can’t drink itself, ya know) I did spend the rare moments I could escape my family learning new hashtags on Twitter:

#twitterfeminism

According to Meghan Murphy of Feminist Current, feminist action that occurs on Twitter isn’t “real” feminism, in part because her feelings have been hurt sometimes.  Ohhh-kay……

#stopblamingwhitewomenweneedunity

According to Adele Wilde-Blavatsky via HuffPo, this hashtag is necessary because HER feelings were hurt sometimes, too!  And something to do with Beyonce, I think.  The hashtag was so blindingly dumb that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

#RighteousRetreat

According to Ani DiFranco, hosting a songwriting retreat at a Louisiana plantation that whitewashed (PUN INTENDED) its slave history was not big deal–in fact, in her cancellation announcement she wrote “i believe that people must go to [slave plantations turned into fancy resorts!] with awareness and with compassionate energy and meditate on what has happened and absorb some of the reverberating pain with their attention and their awareness.”  She later apologized, then apologized AGAIN for giving the world’s lamest non-apology.

#NotAllGreenPeople, #stopblamingKermitweneedunity

According to white lady Anne Chastain, it is possible to rise above racial disharmony just by wishing it so!  As she wrote on Twitter: “I’m not white, black or hispanic, I tell my kindergarteners. I’m beyond all that. I’m green: one w/nature.”  These hashtags were created to mock Chastain, who likened the negative response online to “lynching.”  REALLY.

I drank my eggnog looking like this:

 

5zkav

 

I hate it when dumb white lady feminists ruin things for me, another white lady feminist!

Yep, I’m white.  Just look at me!  I’m descended from Northern Europeans and I live in Minnesota: the only color I get is boiled lobster crimson when I’ve been out in the sun too long.  Like the white ladies mentioned above, I’ve benefited from white privilege in a hundred million ways.  I’m not very happy about it, but there it is.  I do whatever I can to unpack my privilege, to be aware of it, to learn from it, to give my children the information that they need to do the same (because as you have seen from their photographs, they’re white, too).

I’m a cis-gendered, middle-class, hetero white feminist lady.  Does it hurt when call-out culture calls ME out?  OH MY GAWD YES.  Of course it hurts. It hurts so much that against my better judgment I want to get out my Diversity Bingo card and wave it around (if you’re a white liberal like me, you have one, even though it embarrasses you to admit it).  I see words like “racist” or “heteronormative” or “trans-exclusionary” and want to hit the caps lock IMMEDIATELY AND TWEET “OH NO, THAT MIGHT BE SOME WHITE FEMINISTS, BUT IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T ME, NOPE, YOU’RE TOTALLY WRONG, THERE IS NO WAY THAT I COULD EVER, NO NO NO NO NO NO.”

Which doesn’t help at all and is over 140 characters besides.

So what can white lady feminists do instead?  I always like to give my readers advice, so here it comes: I suggest we grab a cup of eggnog (confidential to “Green Liberation”: Silk makes a vegan version I highly recommend), step away from the TWEET button and take it all in.  Read, listen, think.  Stash the Diversity Bingo card in the drawer with the holiday gifts that don’t fit.  Pay attention.  Go to the store and buy more eggnog because in January it’s on sale.  Read, listen, think.  It’s not that hard.

And behave yourselves, dammit!  If any of you ruin Easter I will hunt you down and break the ears off your chocolate fertility symbols!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Agoraphobia triggers, January 2013 edition

Friday, January 18th, 2013

 

1. Sandy Hook “Truthers” (also known as Newtown “Truthers” and/or batshit paranoiacs who of course ALL HAVE GUNS!)

 

2. The CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, who thinks that Obamacare is not socialist (Sweden) but fascist (Nazi Germany).  As I commented on HuffPo, I’m glad I know where NOT to buy my bulk quinoa and Rice Dream from now on.

 

3. Suzanne Moore, Julie Burchill, and any other vagina-born person who considers intersectionality a bad thing.  Allow me to introduce them to my new favorite meme, the RadFem Scorpion:

 

 

4. The godawful people who run the NRA.

 

5. Lance Armstrong apologists.  And Lance Armstrong.  Gawd, I can’t stand that guy.

 

6. That dude who thinks that an effective way to shut down the work of a feminist writer is to call her “ugly.” Instead of feeling badly for Jen McCreight, Jessica Valenti, and Sandra Fluke, I have to ask this Mr. Roosh fella: WHY AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?!  I’m a feminist and an atheist, dammit!  Why aren’t you giving me the same blog traffic as Amanda Marcotte?  Do you not love me?  I am a lady, so of course I need your approval.  What can I do to win it?  Are there not enough unflattering pictures of me in the internets?  Here’s one you can use, taken just after I returned from a vacation to Cancun:

 

 

Add your own reasons for staying locked inside your house in the comments section.

 

 

 

 

First we fix health care

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

….then we fix education.  Why?  THIS:

Yeah, indeed.  I learned this handy fact in ninth grade.  Why didn’t he??

Happy Affordable Care Act Day, everyone!

 

 

 

 

A rape culture morning

Thursday, November 10th, 2011

There are some days in which I deeply regret waking up and opening the laptop.  I want to rewind my day completely: unbrew the coffee, uncook the oatmeal, unpack the lunches, unkiss the children goodbye.

Today is one of those days.

Photo credit: Patrick Smith/Getty Images

This happened last night.  I’m in shock.  I’m nauseated.  I’m so tense I can barely pry my jaw open for said coffee and oatmeal.

It is honestly killing me that thousands of people would take to the streets to support a man accused of covering up the sexual assault of children.  

These people are mostly college students, the types who are gravely affected by the issues that sparked Occupy Wall Street.  But are they protesting the fact that the hyperinflation of college fees and predatory lending policies mean that their average student loan debt will be well over $20K per person? No.  They are protesting the firing of an 84-year-old man who allegedly conspired to hush up the actions of a serial pedophile.  What the hell is wrong with them?

Add the menacing warning of Herman Cain’s lawyer to those who accuse the powerful of sexual assault and harassment (“THINK TWICE”) and you have a headache that just won’t quit and a strong desire to crawl back into bed, wishing that this day never happened.

Welcome to a rape culture morning, folks.

 

Put on your bulletproof vests, ladies! Tom Hackbarth is back

Monday, September 12th, 2011

On November 24, 2010, I wrote a post on Tom Hackbarth’s pistol-packing girlfriend-stalking scandal. I’m rerunning the piece in its entirety today because 1) it remains one of my most popular posts of all time, 2) a Google search of “Tom Hackbarth,” a Minnesota legislator, leads you to my blog, which I find totally hilarious, and 3) last Friday, Speaker of the House Kurt Zellers quietly gave back  Hackbarth’s chair of the House Environment, Energy, and Natural Resources Policy and Finance Committee.  This leadership position was yanked from Hackbarth in the wake of allegations that he was, y’know, stalking a woman with a loaded gun.  Apparently Zellers thought that all the 9/11 hoo-hah would keep folks sufficiently distracted from such a move.

Thanks, MN GOP, for letting women in Minnesota know how seriously you take their safety!  When they’re in the womb, they’re bulletproof (no pun intended), but once they’re out, all bets are off!

 

TOM HACKBARTH: ARMED AND JEALOUS (BUT STILL PRO-LIFE)!

by The Radical Housewife, 11/24/10

 

City Pages captioned this shot “Tom Hackbarth goes looking for a girlfriend”

 

That my beloved home state has gone to the crazies is no longer news; the level of bizarre behavior, on the other hand, is what makes even a not-very-liberal-newspaper-anymore stand up and take notice.  From the article “Armed Lawmaker Stopped by Police in Highland Park” (StarTribune, November 23) by Chao Xiong:

A state representative said it was a misunderstanding when he parked his car in the Planned Parenthood lot in Highland Park and was later stopped by St. Paul police because of the revolver he was carrying near his waistband.

A misunderstanding happens over Thanksgiving dinner, when your relatives make snide remarks about your vegetarianism. When a pro-life legislator from waaaaaay out in the exurbs is found chillin’ with a loaded gun in the parking lot of a big-city PP where surgical abortions are performed, even my carnivorous cousins know better. But let’s allow Tom Hackbarth to explain himself, shall we?

[Hackbarth] didn’t know he was at Planned Parenthood when he pulled into the empty lot so that he could look for a woman he had met online.

It’s been a long time since I was in the dating pool, but I don’t remember arranging rendezvous at Planned Parenthood. And I’m pro-abortion, remember??

Hackbarth said he had coffee with the woman on Nov. 15, and asked her to dinner the next night but she told him she couldn’t because of a commitment she had with a female friend in Highland Park. Hackbarth said he felt that she might have been seeing a man instead, so he parked his car and walked around the block looking for her car. (The security guard spotted Hackbarth’s gun when he got out of his car and put on a winter coat.)

I see the misunderstanding now. He wasn’t threatening to shoot up the clinic, the doctors, the staff, the clients; he was stalking someone! That’s cool, right? Pat Kessler, a reporter with the local CBS affiliate, connects the dots that Xiaong wouldn’t:

Police say Hackbarth exhibited the behavior of a stalker: angry, looking for a woman, with a fully loaded gun.

Not much to misunderstand, there.

Hackbarth was apparently on the hunt for his girlfriend whom he’d recently met online.

Lest you misunderstand: I did not use the word HUNT in the sentence above. Pat Kessler did, the naughty boy. Hackbarth told him:

“She gave me some line of baloney, and I thought, ‘well, she’s fibbing to me.’ You could tell, and I thought, ‘well, I’m going to check it out.’ and I went there to see if she was around and her vehicle was not there. And I was just checking on her,” he said.

No misunderstanding here. MORE dirt comes to us from the St Paul Pioneer Press, the town that had the honor of hosting the arrest! [UPDATE: the PiPress wants you to pay for access to this article now, the cheapskates.  You'll just have to trust my quotations and that I am a paragon of journalistic integrity. Heh]

Police reports note officers found extra ammunition for the revolver, a map and binoculars in the front of Hackbarth’s vehicle.

!!!!!

Hackbarth provided officers the name of the woman but said he had no contact information for her and could not recall the website where he met her. He said he uses “maybe three or four” different dating sites and couldn’t remember which one….. He said the woman he was looking for was the only one he had ever actually met face to face through online dating. “You don’t get a lot of responses when you say you’re separated,” he said.

Or when you’re a really, really big asshole.

No misunderstanding here: a recently divorced jerk met a woman online who was wise enough to keep her phone number and address to herself. Said jerk, convinced that this woman could not possibly be immune to his charms, drove down to the big city to stalk her. Sadly, there are dicks like Hackbarth everywhere, armed or otherwise.

I don’t relish the fact that a guy who votes with the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life 100% of the time is shown to have little respect for post-born life. It happens all the time. To this crowd, a woman’s body is property: of the state, of heterosexual men, and especially of heterosexual men who run the state!

As Minnesota gets nuttier, all I can say is: Jesse Ventura, come back! ALL IS FORGIVEN!

The letter that the Pioneer Press won’t print

Friday, May 20th, 2011

Mike Burbach, Editor: mburbach@pioneerpress.com

Mike Bass, Sports Editor: mbass@pioneerpress.com

As a reader unfamiliar with Joe Soucheray’s style, I cannot tell whether his May 19, 2011 column was meant to skewer the unenlightened readers who suggested he was somehow un-masculine for protesting the dangers of modern football, or whether he aimed to prove his macho bona fides via said mockery. Whatever the intentions of Soucheray himself, the message made by the print headline was clear: “No. I’m still a man, not a woman. It’s football that changed.”

I’m a writer as well as a feminist activist—I am not interested in policing language. Yet I am keenly aware of the power that words have, particularly in the hands of a major newspaper, to perpetuate stereotypes that are at best, irritating, and at worst, dangerous. Soucheray’s column and accompanying headline reinforce the message that for a presumably heterosexual man, there is no worse offense than to be called a woman.

Thanks to a half-century of civil rights progress, it is no longer considered acceptable to use race, ethnicity, or perceived sexual orientation as a slur. No editor would approve a headline that read “No. I’m still a man, not a faggot,” for fear of significant (and richly deserved) backlash. Why is gender still, after all these years, fair game?

Rigid gender stereotypes hurt everyone, from men who are prevented from developing emotional relationships with their children to women who are stymied by sexism in the workplace. As a newspaper that hopes to survive in the 21st century, the writers and editors of the Pioneer Press would be wise to make decisions that better reflect our changing times.

Shannon Drury

President, Minnesota NOW

Attention "ladies": Roe v. Wade as interpreted by Rep. Glenn Gruenhagen

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

The clip below, from a hearing in the Minnesota State Legislature on Friday, May 6, has already made its way around the Minnesota blogosphere, but it deserves national attention. It needs to go big: crazy nasty-ass honey badger big, “leave Britney alone!” big, Rebecca Black big, bed intruder big. How else to respond to the implication, made by state representative Glenn Gruenhagen, that the seven men on the Burger Court decided Roe v. Wade in 1973 just to get in women’s pants??!

WHAT REP. GRUENHAGEN SAYS:
“Let me just remind you, especially ladies, it was seven men that made abortion legal. Not seven women. Now what’s the significance of that? Men, a certain percentage, have developed a perverted view of women and what abortion tells men is they can use women and lose them. OK? Use and lose them and run from their responsibility… Again I plead with you, ladies, help men support legislation that teaches men to accept their responsibility when conceiving with a woman. Don’t support government legislation and programs that tell men they can impregnate women and run away from their responsibilities. Please ladies, think about what’s been done to you in the last 40 to 50 years.”

WHAT ‘LADIES’ HEAR:
“Forget what you may have heard in those ‘womyn’s studies’ classes of yours–those seven men on the Supreme Court in 1973 were horny, twisted perverts. Harry Blackmun wrote the majority opinion to score with loose Washington chicks, not to guarantee your right to medical privacy. Thurgood Marshall, your civil rights hero? Voted on Roe to realize his dream of boinking every last clerk in the office, not to give you any civil rights of your own. Ladies, men are dirty hornballs who need to fuck everything that moves! Only abortion law keeps us in line! Heaven knows that YOU don’t want sex. Justice Elena Kagan, a celibate spinster, would NEVER have voted in favor of a woman’s sexual agency. I know she’ll vote like a proper lady when the time comes.”

The newest Minnesota GOP attack

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

First they came after my womb:


Anti-abortion rights bills advance in Minnesota Legislature
Nine bills introduced this session to curtail abortion rights

Then they came after my friends:

DFLers ding GOP for social issue ahead of budget shortfall

Now they want…..MY SON??



From an action alert issued by the PACER Center, a nonprofit organization that provides education, support and advocacy for Minnesota children with disabilities:

Senator John Pederson (SD 15—St Cloud and surrounding communities) has introduced SF 1291. This bill repeals, or eliminates most of the sections of Minnesota law that tell schools and districts how to serve students with disabilities. In addition to the 54 sections of Minnesota law eliminated, the bill also removes 28 parts of special education rules that give further guidance to schools and districts. It would repeal most Minnesota special education law and rule, which provide needed protections and exceed Federal Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) law. This bill, if enacted, would cause delays in service for children with disabilities, increase misunderstanding and complaints about special education services, and strip 50 years of protections from Minnesota’s special education system.

I don’t think “jaw-clenching,” “tooth-cracking,” or even “vision-blackening” comes close to describing the level of rage I feel right now.

Just call me the Radical Hooker.

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011
On the tape below, MSNBC Lawrence O’Donnell says, “I have friends who depend on Planned Parenthood.” I do, too. When I was uninsured, I depended on PP myself. I’ve never had an abortion, but I’ve had lots and lots of sex. You have, too. And so have your friends and everyone else you know. Sexual health requires responsibility, including regular exams, STI tests, and contraception. If you know anyone who’s DONE IT, you know someone who’s utilized the services of Planned Parenthood.
You dirty skank.

“Stop just a second,” says Glenn Back on the the clip below, reacting to O’Donnell’s totally unshocking revelation. “Hookers? Who? Who depends on Planned Parenthood? (whines) I’ve got 400 abortions that I HAVE to have…. I’m DEPENDING on Planned Parenthood.”

If you can stand it, give the boys a listen, will you? You’ll understand so much about how entitled, right-wing white men feel about women. In their universe, any woman taking control of her sexual health is a prostitute–and that’s A Bad Thing. A burn-in-hell kinda thing.
Adding to the moral confusion, these white men proceed make fun of people who need condoms, then they will make fun of people who want to take the Pill instead of using condoms, and THEN they will make fun of people who don’t want to wear condoms. Huh?
Perhaps Barbara Kruger could shed some light on the subject?
I would also add: “100% of them will never be shamed for their sexuality.” Fuckers.