This weekend, a truly astounding anti-feminist letter was published by the newspaper of record in glamorous Fargo, North Dakota.* Its author, one Michael A. Ross of Hawley, Minnesota, believes he not only knows the root of our societal suffering, but he also has the cure for what ails us all.
No, really! Sit down, pour yourself another cup of coffee, and prepare to have your mind blown!
Mr. Ross begins:
Men have ruled every civilization since the beginning of time and always will. That is not the question. The question is, will a civilization be ruled by good men or evil men?
“Always will” is your clue that you have left the 21st century and are descending into Schlaflyland,™ a pale pink universe that, in a twist of delicious irony, would require its leader, the venerable Mrs. John Schlafly Jr, to stop her traitorous habit of speaking in public, let alone allow anyone to refer to her as “Phyllis.”
Schlaflyland™ is a familiar enough place to my readers, but Mr. Ross isn’t content to linger there–after all, such a place is run by a woman, and that’s a Bad Thing. Read on:
Historically, evil men have ruled. Evil men rule today. When good men rule, it’s ordinary men exercising leadership in their homes, local churches, local civil government, local business and commerce.
So if I understand correctly, in the thousands of years of modern civilization, only evil men have ruled–but for the brief spell in which Eisenhower was president. Gotcha.
When evil men rule, it is a handful of political, corporate, and monetary elitists that control nearly all the wealth in the economy. They rule from corporate boardrooms, Washington and Wall Street. It is their strategy to attack ordinary men as the heads of their families and other traditional institutions. They do this by pushing women out of their homes and into the workforce by creating an economy that requires both parents to work.
What? You mean this FEMINISM thing can’t be blamed on WOMEN? It’s all a conspiracy by a cabal of evil men? Gloria Steinem must be so relieved.
Also, by pushing them into jobs traditionally reserved for men: soldier, police officer, firefighter, physician, truck driver, etc. And by pushing schoolgirls into highly competitive varsity athletics traditionally reserved for boys, just to name a few.
Only “highly competitive” sports, sir? Does that mean ladies are welcome at gentle games? Like badminton or varsity cupcake baking?
Any wife who is contentious with her husband’s leadership, any woman who takes a man’s pulpit, or seeks employment that has been traditionally reserved for men, has played into the elitists’ hands.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, MRS. MARCUS BACHMANN?? Get out of the federal House and back into your house! When Marcus does his own laundry, the elitists win!!
Traditional male leadership is no guarantee of a decent and just society, but it is a prerequisite. A truly free and just society will be one that promotes women as homemakers and mothers, nurses, teachers, secretaries and cheerleaders.
That’s the darling Mrs. Bachmann (née Michele Amble) on the right. What a cutie. All this Wall Street corruption is so obviously her fault.
Not being content with a good chuckle at Mr. Ross’s expense, I took the additional step of Googling his name and location. Why not? He might be the author of more amusing editorials that would appeal to my blog readers. I have a duty to keep all two of you amused and entertained, especially on days when writing satire myself would be too exhausting (I am a married lady, after all).
To my surprise, I found something even more bizarre–this headline:
HAWLEY TEEN SENTENCED IN TURTLE BURNING
It seems that several years ago, an 18-year-old named Joel Charles Ross filmed himself and two friends lighting a snapping turtle on fire. The idiots then uploaded their torture of the poor reptile, which was forwarded to local authorities. The young Mr. Ross was sentenced to community service, a $500 fine, and five days in the clink for pleading guilty to misdemeanor animal cruelty.
Here is a photo I found of Mr. Ross the elder, and his lovely wife Vicky. It appeared in another Fargo Forum article, this time in celebration of the couple’s 25th wedding anniversary:
How could such an adorable couple spawn a child capable of such a stupid and senseless act? Setting a turtle on fire for kicks is something only an evil man would do.
It’s the cheerleaders’ fault.
*It is easy for outsiders to mock Fargo, yes, but I come by my scorn honestly–a good half of the relatives I have spent my adulthood avoiding are North Dakotans. This my one perk.