Ten things I don’t want my insurance money to pay for
1. Your insulin
After all, it was your choice to eat a jelly donut every morning. Now it’s my choice not to stabilize your blood sugar.
2. Your statin drugs
See above. When you weren’t eating donuts, you were eating bacon! Sometimes you had both at one sitting! YOUR choice, not mine.
3. Your heart stents
See above, fatty! You shoulda been eating bran flakes.
4. Your kid’s stimulants
I think little Tommy’s just got an attitude problem. Discipline is what he needs, not money from my pocket.
5. Your mole removal
You got to go to the beach every year for spring break? Well, I had to go to a museum. Who’s pissed off now?
6. Your painkillers
I hear that street heroin is easily and cheaply available on the street. As a capitalist, I believe the free market is preferable to the artificial price controls of the pharmaceutical and insurance industries. Go chase that dragon on your own!
7. Your infertility treatments
God made you barren for a reason.
8. Your cesarean section
God gave you a stretchy vagina for a reason.
9. Your Viagra
God gave you a limp dick for a reason.
10. Your sad, pathetic life
Enough of this “civil society” crap. My money is MINE, and I want to spend it on plastic flowers, yarn and glitter glue at: